When Divorce Arrives

Over 50 percent of all American marriages end up in divorce. All though divorce is common place in today’s society, it can have devastating effects on those going through it. A marital breakup can cause depression, anxiety, confusion and isolation. It can adversely affect mood, parenting and job performance.

It is common for those divorcing to feel like they have failed. Marriage is seen as a key element in the American dream. Therefore when this union is terminated, feelings that you have let others as well as your self down can become overwhelming.

You are also now worrying about your future, have serious doubts that you can ever have a committed relationship again and concerns about the mental health of your children who have their own issues related to the divorce.

All of this stress can cause you to feel so despondent that you only want to lie around your home for hours on end. This is a step in the process you may need to utilize in order to withdraw from the pain of separating from your husband or wife.

Eventually you will feel that you no longer need to withdraw and want to get on to what ever the next phase is.

The next phase is: Moving your body.

There is a ton of research that indicates that physical exercise improves your physical health, decreases feelings of depression and anxiety, improves self-esteem, reduces stress and increases mental and physical strength. Some studies indicate that your endorphins can kick in after only fifteen minutes of exercise and at the point you can experience a sense of well being.

Exercising is certainly a healthy way to deal with tragedy and loss. A short walk, run, bike ride or other aerobic activity will help you face and work through trauma.

What is going to help me get off the couch and into an exercise program?

Become aware that it is normal to be depressed and non-active immediately after a separation or divorce occurs. This understanding will allow you to be sedentary without feeling guilty during the initial stages of grief.
You will eventually reach the point where a voice in your head will inform you that it is time to do something else rather than laying around when you are not at work or actively parenting. Pay attention to this voice, don’t ignore it or push it away. Make an appointment with your physician to determine if it is safe for you to exercise.
Repeat these words throughout the day: “Exercise will help me get through this horrible time. It will put me in a better state of mind where I will be able to get through the pain. Moving my body will enable me to feel good about myself and eventually improve the quality of my life.”
Choose an activity that you feel that you can do on a regular basis. Some of you may not have exercised for years. Others may never have worked out. If you are not sure what to do, begin walking. You can do this in your neighborhood and it does not require any equipment other than good shoes. Begin short and slow. When you start exercising, create a realistic goal such as walking for fifteen minutes at a slow pace. You can gradually increase your speed and distance as you go along.
Become self aware as you are exercising. Ask yourself: How does my body feel? What is my breathing like? What am I thinking and feeling about?

Once you experience positive results, you will be motivated to continue a regular exercise program. Moving your body is a safe, productive means to deal with tragedy. The pain you are experiencing can move out of your head and into your body. You can feel the anguish gradually leave as sweat pours through your skin and mixes in with the tears falling down your face. You can discover this new way of letting go.

Bob Livingstone, LCSW, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for almost twenty years. He works with adults, teenagers and children who have experienced traumas such as family violence, neglect and divorce. He works with men around anger issues and adults in recovery from child abuse. He is the author of the critically acclaimed Redemption of the Shattered: A Teenager’s Healing Journey through Sandtray Therapy and the upcoming The Body-Mind-Soul Solution: Healing Emotional Pain through Exercise (Pegasus Books, Aug. 2007). For more information visit www.boblivingstone.com.