Myth # 1: You will feel better if you push the pain of the loss away. It is not good to “dwell” on the death.

Reality: Pushing the pain down or away will only prolong your agony and perhaps cause physical illness. Allowing yourself to feel the angst, all the thoughts, feelings and memories about your loss, will help you work through the tragedy.

Myth # 2: Words like, “he is in a better place or “it is God’s will” or “she wouldn’t want you to be crying now” bring solace and relief to the bereaved.

Reality: These words will not bring any comfort to the bereaved.  In fact these slogans may make the grieving person feel alienated and worried that she is not grieving correctly because these sayings will not resonate with her.  These words may indicate to the grieving person that this speaker is inconsiderate, out of touch and his intentions are to make her shut up.

Myth # 3: There are specific steps in an exact order you take while working through grief and you will not be healed until you do so.

Reality: There is no research that supports that those experiencing loss go through any distinct stages. You may feel resentment, anger, sadness, confusion, panic, understanding, stress, joy, numbness and any other possible emotion.  You may feel some of these feelings or you may feel all of them.  They will come randomly and have no discernible pattern. People often feel that they are not grieving correctly if that don’t follow Kubler-Ross’s grieving steps.  Everyone has their own way of grieving and will do so at their own pace; not anyone else’s.

Myth# 4: Those who are grieving do not want anyone to bring up their loss to them.

Reality: There is no cookie cutter approach that works here. Sometimes the bereaved will want her friends to bring up the loss.  The grieving person may feel that you don’t want to hear how she is feeling and purposely avoid discussing her tragedy.  Other times a person who is mourning doesn’t want to focus on the loss.  You can ask your friend if she feels like talking about the death of her loved one and gauge the discussion from there.

Myth# 5: You will eventually get to a place where you are not sad anymore.

Reality: When the memory of your lose arises, there is a good chance of feeling sad no matter how much time has gone by since the death.  The only way to not be sad again is to suffer from amnesia.  If you have allowed yourself to express your feelings, the pain of the loss will diminish with time, but it will never go away.  Anniversary dates of the death may be particularly rough days for you, but that is totally normal.

Myth# 6. Crying will only make you more distraught.

Reality: Crying is a wonderful way of intensely experiencing your loss.   Crying is a natural part of the grief process and won’t make you more upset.  It may upset those around you who don’t know how to deal with raw emotion.  You can teach them how to be present if you would like.  Most folks who are grieving are not looking for advice, answers or solutions to their problems.  They just want to be listened to without judgment.

Myth# 7: Going to the cemetery frequently helps everyone work through their grief.

Reality: Some folks obtain solace from going to the gravesite of their loved one, but not everyone.  Those who attend daily or weekly may find it more difficult to let go of the loss, but it is their choice to continue this ritual.  It is also OK if you feel that sitting in front of your loved one’s grave doesn’t do anything for you.  You can find other activities to help you process this loss such as writing, painting, drawing, exercising or playing music.

Myth# 8: Anger has no place in the grief process

Reality: Anger is a normal feeling that may occur while grieving.  You may be angry that your loved one left you.  You may be enraged that there is unfinished business with him.  You may be angry because you are not sure if the deceased really loved you.  It is good to talk about your anger with a trusted friend or therapist.

Myth# 9: Shortly after the funeral you should be able to function at one hundred percent.

Reality: In American society we are allowed a few days off of work or school to grieve.  We are then expected to be all good when we return to these institutions.  This is not only a ridiculous expectation, it is harmful.  It gives the bereaved the message they are not grieving correctly because they should be “over” the loss after a couple of weeks of “down” time.  The grief process doesn’t need some proscribed timeline.  It is artificial and intrusive to do so.  The grief process in not a linear one, it is more like the up and down motion of a rollercoaster.  We need our own time to grieve.

Myth#10: There is something deeply wrong with you if you want to keep your lost loved one’s clothes.

Reality: It is totally normal to want to keep your loved one’s clothes or any other keepsakes.  Removing any object that reminds the bereaved of their lost love one will expedite the mourning process is a myth. This is simply inaccurate and ignorant.  Many of us want to remain in the same house we lived in with our loved one. You may want to keep material objects that belong to the deceased because it is comforting.  Eventually that may all change as you move on, but not until you are ready to do so.

Myth# 11: You should avoid any memories having to do with your deceased loved one. These memories will only make you delirious.

Reality: First of all it is impossible to avoid these memories because they usually hold a place front and center immediately after the loss. Facing the memories is a painful aspect of the grief process that will eventually open the door to peace and understanding.  Any advice about ignoring thoughts, feelings or memories is best to be ignored.  However, there is no need to focus on the loss every moment.  It is ok to distract yourself in healthy ways such as exercise, talking with friends and relaxing.

Myth# 12: Not crying about the loss of a loved one indicates that you don’t love or miss her.

Reality: Not crying immediately or a considerable amount of time after the loss doesn’t mean that you didn’t have strong positive feelings for him.  Many of us live in a state of shock immediately after the loss and feel nothing but the numbness.  We also may not cry because we had mixed feelings about him and feel utterly confused.  As time goes by, there is a good chance your tears will flow and anguish will be released.

Myth# 13: Feeling guilty and having regrets about your loss is not normal and you should be very concerned.

Reality: Feeling guilty and having regrets are normal immediately after the loss.  We wonder if there was anything we could have done to prevent her death.  We get angry at ourselves for not being able to anticipate the death and therefore not be able to share our love with her. We regret that perhaps there were times we were insensitive to her.  We get angry with ourselves for not being able to say goodbye.  We tend to come to terms with these issues as time goes on.

Myth# 14: Funerals always bring about closure and you should experience a sense of resolve at that time.

Reality: Many funerals don’t really deal with the essence of the person we have lost.  This experience serves to make us feel disconnected from the grieving process.  The most helpful funerals are those that celebrate your loved one’s life.  These celebrations often allow for the sharing of memories, sadness and joy.  The funeral is not the end of the grieving process, it is only the beginning.

 

Check out Letting Go of Grief: Move Your Body to Rock and Soul