The definition of loyal according to Webster’s dictionary is: Faithful in allegiance to one’s sovereign government, faithful to a private person whom faithfulness is due and faithful to a cause, ideal custom or product.  It is all about being faithful to a person or thing.

Do you ever feel that you are being manipulated into being loyal?  Does this person deserve your faithfulness?  Do you feel that you must be loyal no matter how much this person disappointed, abused or neglected you?  Does is seem unfair that this person demands unconditional loyalty from you while ignoring your feelings regularly?

Do the institutions that you frequent insist on loyalty, but don’t reciprocate your undying support?  Does your boss insist you worship the ground he walks on while talking behind your back?  Does your place of worship demand money while practicing ongoing hypocrisy? Does your government demand your allegiance while it locks children in cages?

We are taught to not only put up with this BS, we are chastised if we refuse to play along with this loyalty game.

Women are supposed turn a blind eye towards their male partners philandering while they will be shamed forever for the same act.

Abused children who tell the authorities they have been harmed by their parents are accused of being disloyal.

It seems to me that this loyalty demand is systemic and patriarchal.  It is designed to give men a pass and keep them in power.  It is set up to protect our(men’s) fragile egos to keep us in control.

Example:  Julie has been married to James for fifteen years.  They are both in their early forties and they have two teenage children-a boy and a girl.  James has always told his partner that she is a terrible mother because she is too lenient in her punishments of the children.  He has had numerous affairs during their relationship, and she has told him that he must stop.  He responds to her by waving his hand at her and saying the affairs don’t mean anything to him.  James tells Julie to chill out.

However, if she is ever late at showing up for one of his work events, he has a tantrum that resembles a two-year old’s.  His face gets beet red and he castigates her when they get home.

She is used to his lectures and his lecherous ways.  Her parents tell her that he is a good man and she should stand by him no matter what.

Her female friends have other viewpoints and suggest that she plan to leave him.  She hates her life and is so tired of being manipulated by this loyalty demand.

In order to move forward, she needs:  1. To surround herself with those who are supportive of her standing up to the loyalty doctrine. 2. To find a therapist who is experienced and skilled working with those who have been emotionally abused and understands the dynamics of domestic violence.  3.  To devise a plan to separate from her partner 4. To plan for the emotional support of her children.  5. To create a healthy exercise and nutrition plan. 5. To learn the meaning of the word boundary and feel empowered to set those boundaries. One example of this would be for her to screen out folks in her life who demand loyalty without reciprocating.

It is a long-held belief that women are supposed to carry the burden of dealing with emotionally conflictual issues they have with men.

I strongly disagree.

Men need to change their roles in these loyalty dynamics.  We need to: 1. Admit when we have committed an egregious act that wounds our partners.  2. To take ownership and accountability for that act and not blame our actions on anyone else. 3.  To begin counseling with a therapist who will challenge our mindsets and belief systems about loyalty, male privilege and control over women. 4. To practice loyalty being a reciprocal and earned process; not receiving loyalty because we were born male.

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