Shirley was driving after an intense day at work.  Exhausted, she just wanted to go home and connect with her partner.  The traffic was awful as usual and the car’s headlights in the rear view mirror were blinding.   She turned up the rear view mirror to stop this assault to the eyes.  The traffic thinned out as she headed home, but when she turned the corner, a car was stopped in the middle of the road with its flashers on.  Shirley observed that there was no one in the car, but this didn’t stop her from leaning hard on the horn; a sound piercing enough to wake the dead.  She noticed that the car horn had become louder over the years; probably from the frequency it got used.

There was no parking near her apartment, so she circled the block until one was located.  Once in the apartment, irritation made another unwelcome appearance.  At that moment, any sound, visual or touch made her want to scream.  She needed something but wasn’t sure what. She felt hurt, confused, overwhelmed but didn’t know why.

Shirley’s partner after sharing pleasantries said, “You didn’t take out the garbage this morning and it made the apartment stink.” At that moment Shirley started screaming, “Why couldn’t you have taken it out yourself?  Why did you choose to impart this information to me NOW after I have already stated what an awful day I’ve had?”

She slammed the front door and walked aimlessly with rage in her heart.  She felt so fatigued and feelings of hopelessness intertwined with the anger.  She started to self-loath and beat herself up for being such an asshole.  She was ashamed about treating her partner so badly.

Shirley was a walking basket case and wondered what the point of continuing living was. She was disillusioned, not suicidal.  Every day she tried so hard to be a good person; failure was all that remained.  She eventually went home and realized how wearing this process had become.  Her partner was tired of Shirley’s act as well.  Change needed to happen like yesterday.

Question:  What is happening here underneath all the yelling and honking? Answer:  A whole lot of stuff.

Why did our protagonist become so upset while driving home?  There were several reasons for this.  She was aware of being exhausted.  The extreme tiredness comes from lack of sleep and deeply caring about doing a good job. She was in the habit of overriding tiredness and pushing on until she had nothing left in the tank.    She was worried that her job performance didn’t measure up and she had to strive endlessly.  She was a people pleaser and wanted to have a reputation of being there for everyone.

She was triggered by the selfish actions of other drivers while she made it a point to be courteous and respectful of others.  She was appalled and disgusted by their total self-involvement.

This reminded her of her father who only cared about himself and never about her.

Her partner’s complaint about not taking the garbage out felt like a sharp insult even though it was an issue that most couples have minor conflicts with.

At times Shirley experienced minor criticisms as condemnation.  These were times when she was feeling overwhelmed, lost, angry, depressed and anxious-a smorgasbord of emotions.  During these moments, the emotions moved around like a turbulent, stormy ocean that never settled down in one place.

These moments reminded her of being yelled at by her mother for not working hard enough.  She remembered her mother’s look of disgust and dismissal when she was a little girl.   She was never good enough for mom.

When Shirley got triggered, utter rejection became activated. Fight and flight were the reactions that occurred here.

The reptilian part of our brain known as the amygdala holds the fight or flight response.  The amygdala gets activated when it notices the adrenaline rushing through the body when you get triggered.

So, the key is to prevent or ease the adrenaline from moving through your body BEFORE the amygdala can react.

 

Let me be more specific by going step by step in this process:

 

Step One-You are sitting at home alone having an OK day when suddenly-

 

Step Two- A feeling comes up such as not being seen or acknowledged by a lover or close friend (add your own step two).

 

Step Three-You notice that you are starting to get triggered (feeling out of sorts, heart rate increase, disconnection)

 

Step Four-Instead of these feelings propelling your anxiety which will kick the amygdala into fight or flight, you take deep breaths and tell yourself, “I am being triggered by memories (visual and body) of being hurt as a child.  I am OK now.  I will go for a walk, go workout to distract myself because I don’t need to immerse myself in this memory or try to locate it if it is not clear to me.  I have done that work.  It is OK and helpful to distract myself.  I am not avoiding.  If need be, I can call my therapist and or friends for support.”

 

I have found that this process isn’t any easy one, but once the interrupting/preventing the adrenaline flow becomes habit, the easier and more natural it will become.